Crushed in Movieland

Shakespeare said that life is a stage and all of us are actors. But I object; I say life is a set in Universal studios and I am the leading lady. Yes it totally sounds moronic doesn’t it? It sounds moronic to me too. But then I have lived many of those eternal love stories of Hollywood. Only, in my case they turned out to be not so eternal. Through my phase of obsessions with movies and guys I guess I forgot to differentiate between both altogether. My first crush was Shah Rukh Khan. Yes the actor. Now almost half the nation was in love with Shah Rukh at that point of time and I am sure, they are still, so I had to do something to stand out amongst those millions. Well I met a friend who was equally in love with Shah Rukh and we decided to be two special ones amongst those millions. We didn’t mind sharing SRK at all. So we started with skimming through 65 Filmfares that I had managed to collect and cut out all the possible pictures of SRK and yes there were fights because most of the times we both wanted the same picture. Finally we had our own scrapbooks ready but my partner ditched me and left for her school. So it was I all by myself to win Mr. Shah Rukh’s heart. I wrote poems for him, I went and saw each one of his films, only to realize that half the nation was already doing that. Any new way I found to win SRK, a million people would already be doing that. Finally I decided to quit and try to win the heart of some less sought after person. In the complete madness of school affairs and giving advice to my girl friends about their boys and giving my guy friends advice about their girls and setting them up, I fell in love with one of the boys in the school. Now boys and girls weren’t really allowed to mix a lot in my school. And the funniest part was, till date I have never spoken to that guy. Heck of a clueless love story I tell you.Chatting with Ajnabis was the in-thing and I started off too. I made a lot of friends online and a couple of them became my phone friends too. But one among them became special, why? I still ask myself. Again thankfully, this movie was incomplete. And I was bored of having crushes for more than an hour. So a guy on a bus stop, a guy at McDonald’s, a guy who comes for a jog to Shivaji Park everyday at 5 pm, went on to be a part of the historical list of my crushes. Now came a time to start another movie because these trailers were too short to to teach me a lesson. So I started a new movie again. This time it was my own version of Best Friend’s Wedding, only there was no wedding and I wasn’t trying to break them up at all. Basically I fell in love with a very very close friend of mine, and here’s the catch he was in love with someone else and this chick wasn’t giving him any ghaas or even phuss for that matter. But I managed to somehow get him to fall for me, or so I thought. Now after the mahashay turned his affections to me, the chick realized that she loves the mahashay. Ab meri prem kahani mein yeh naya twist aa gaya. Bass after cracking a million brain cells over it, this particular movie didn’t have the usual vanilla ending. But the moral of the story is this last movie that I cast myself in, has taught me an important lesson. Now I shall only be a casting director and watch the fun during both the making of the movie and the movie itself. Cause love stories are synonyms to disaster stories…only for me though.

Pang of Depression

Feelings of inadequacy
Sense of insecurity,
Belief in myself shattered,
Dreams lost; uncertainty.

A fuzzy picture,
Of the future,
The past a distant mistake,
Putting their faith at stake,
In the current present.

Storms and fuzzy gray skies,
Leafless trees with green highlights,
Raindrops lashing on the window,
Freezing cold stinging the skin.

Fight the cold,
Walk along,
Open the window,
And face the storm…
No matter what just walk on.

past, past...zoom into the future...

When I was 6….Life was much about the others. I went out with my parent’s friends. My grandma took me to the market and she bought me sweets. My grandfather narrated stories to me. Dad told me right from wrong. Mum taught me how to love. They made the decisions for me, they worried for me, they thought for me, and I was a carefree little child. These people surrounded me and I was doing things they were doing, completely unaware of life beyond them. It was my own little world and I was their world. They were a window and the world outside was an alien universe at which I looked through these windows.

When I was 16…It had all changed, the center of the universe was still me but I was dying to do things my own way. And I had just started believing that the things I was doing were the best option and I could never go wrong. I was meeting ‘my’ friends, I was going to the market and buying myself whatever ‘I’ wanted, I was choosing the stories to hear. The alien universe outside seemed tempting and I wanted to explore it at any cost. Even if it meant jumping out of the windows and running in the meadows till you have left the windows far behind. I wanted to make my own decisions, and yet leave the worrying to the ones who loved me. I wanted to be selfish and expected them to make sacrifices for me. I wanted to take on the rights of being an adult and shun the responsibility… I was only thinking about me.

When I am 26… I will be radically different from what I am today. And I will be disappointed if I am not. I will have seen the world and faced a few difficulties. And have learned from them enough. I will be holding the hands that once showed me the way and taught me how to walk, remembering that I must not hurt them. I will be their window, to look at the new world. A world that has changed as their little girl has turned into a woman. I will try my best to keep sorrow away from those eyes that looked at me with pride all the time and I will make them prouder. When I will be 26, I won’t have to think about these things or plan them. They will come to me naturally, and at the right time. There will be no place for regret arising out of late realizations like this one. When will I be 26?

the valley and the sun

If they ask you who I am,
Just say I m a scent…
That reminds you of the moon
And makes you want to flow
With the springs in the valley…

If someone asks me who you are,
I promise to call you the first ray of the sun,
That feels like a warm fire in the cold of the winter…
If it snows, I'll write your name on it to melt it away…

When you smile, the sun comes out…
And when I am in your arms,
The sun hides behind the clouds…


When we meet tomorrow,
The warmth of the sun will always glow,
And the valley will look brighter,


But never tell them my name,
And I promise never to tell them yours…
And yet, I will never hide,
The wonderful feeling that is, You

Tick Tock

Tick tock tick
Tock tick tock,
Sounds the clock,
As I lay on my bed,
Counting a flock.

the wind is ruffling
the curtains aside,
letting in a dim light
I shut my eyes tight.

Capture those dreams,
And the nightmares...
But come to me please
I am utterly in despair

If not now,
Don’t come to me ever.
Stay away then
Do me a favour

Creaking down the stairs,
A warm cup of milk,
Rearranging the chairs
And cleaning the sink

Watching the sounds,
Hearing the clouds,
And the music
of the wild wild wind

Yet no show,
The sky begins to glow,
The sun is out,
But you are missing.

I give up on the sack,
And hit the books,
Taking the notes,
And sorting the quotes,
Barely a word I wrote,
And you come to me,
My much beloved sleep….

She...

She was walking down to a place, where she was going to be completely alone. She had chosen that path and was warned but now as she walked, she felt the confidence with which she had justified her path melt away and an unknown fear build up… She was unaware of what was to come, who was to come or where she was to go. She decided to follow the path till she could, but she couldn’t resist looking back, at what she was leaving behind. She kept looking until they faded away; it faded away and then she couldn’t see anything. It was a big black void she was looking back at and then she stumbled and fell. She lay there hurt, waiting for them to come and help her, to comfort, to take care of her, but they didn’t come. She lay there until she knew, she was by herself now and she needed to pick herself up from there. She had to comfort herself. She was the only person for her now. She looked back one last time, at the dark void, where her family was or had they gone… At a life which was hers but was it now? She walks until she sees a ray of light. And she sees something new- a new country, new people and above all, a new life. This is her future, and the fear melts away and the confidence builds up yet again. She knows she can do it without them, because they are miles away-emotionally and physically. And then she breathes in…. That is how freedom smelt….

Freedom smelt just like fresh flowers for a butterfly, it smelt like a new patch of grass for sheep and probably they didn’t even realize how sweet it smells-freedom. To her it smelt like how it smells now. She felt like she had had a blocked nose and suddenly a whiff of fresh scented air had come her way. It felt like that whiff reached every cell of her body and made them feel anew. Freedom was the scent of satisfaction. She had never smelt it before, but it was amazing to identify it by its scent. Its scent can’t be felt by anyone but the one who feels free. Free as a bird to explore new skies, free as a bee to find new flowers, free as a dog to find a new place to hide his bones.

But… The chains binding her, were actually her roots. The roots that made her stand tall and strong. They were the roots that made her and they weren’t gone at all. They were with her. Without them she would be body without a soul, a mind without thoughts and a heart without feelings. She had a new life, she was reborn but this time, she is born with her roots, her values and she is a baby adult…Maybe!

Heartache, Pain & Then Peace

In some corner of this town,
There is a memory lane.
Long ago we walked it down,
'Tis where we saw flowers, sunshine and rain.

There’s the corner of happiness,
Where we laughed as we walked.
Holding her hands we felt safe,
We felt like a careless flock.

Can you see that shrine?
Here she used to spend some of her time.
Here she was none but herself,
That sweet old grandmum of mine…

Under that tree we took shade,
Looking for flowers everywhere.
Flowers yellow, blue and red.
For hours at the branches we stared…

There’s that window where she stood,
Looking over us like God.
The window’s there but she’s gone…
Leaving us neglected and forlorn

As I walk by, teary eyed,
To my heart I confide,
That was the time and it was mine
I know she still walks by my side.

Wailing aloud my heart explains,
Those happy time aren’t coming again,
The time is lost and she is gone,
All I have is a lonesome pain…

The glass is shattered but the window remains,
Just like her memories in my heart engraved…
The wailing stops and the chaos ends…
The best I have is this very lane.

Me Mumbaikar

Me Mumbaikar

The rain Gods manage flooding the streets of Mumbai with showers of their love almost every year…There is a bit of inconvenience but hey we enjoy it and have fun for those few hours. This year the rain Gods seemed to love Mumbai a bit too much…They rained down for almost the entire day, creating miniature Olympic pools for Mumbaikars to swim in… What might seem a natural calamity was made into a fun picnic by the Mumbaikars who hit the damp roads without dampening their spirit. And among the thousands of those stranded, was I.

being stuck in my car for three hours at Dharavi, we realized that taking the car any further would be impossible in the chest deep water. We decided to take the water logged road and walk home leaving our car. While wading through the chest deep water at Matunga, I realized that the city was abuzz with Mumbaikars all set to help people, come what may. We saw volunteers helping everyone find a safe path with their friendly guidelines, “Udhar gutter open hai, idhar se jao” “aunty dekh ke idhar divider hai lagega han” “yeh wala rasta mat lo pnai bahut jyada hai… udhar thoda uncha hai udhar se jao”.

By the time we made it to king’s circle, we were famished but glad to find Madras Café open. The annas served wadas and upmas and coffees in the candle lit ambience (the electricity was kaput!). People walked in drenched and the friendly owner gave them space wherever possible.

Moving on from king’s circle we started on the main road where there were abandoned buses and cars standing haphazardly. These were to later serve as bedrooms to the many left stranded on the road. As we walked, we heard songs and jokes. I quite expected some bickering about the floods, but Mumbaikars had decided to demonstrate their ability to have fun, no matter what…

Finally we came to our destination, thinking, ‘Oh! What an ordeal?’ That was until we saw the news about north Mumbai being cut off from the outside world, about many left helpless in the middle of the city, unable to reach home and worst of all about the people who had lost their life to the water. With collapsed cell phone networks and jammed phone lines, it was hard to locate your loved ones. But the night passed as the showers mildewed. Many took refuge in Municipal schools, buses and even bus-stops. Some kept going…

Next morning most of the water had receded but the cars still remained on the road along with people. No milk, no newspapers, but Mumbai’s very own Mumbaikars were down on the road with biscuits, bananas and clean drinking water for the stranded. These volunteers did not rest until each of the stranded passengers was provided with some kind of transport home.

In such a disastrous situation, help from government was scanty, but Mumbaikars were out on the road throwing their hearts and homes open, ensuring that the fellow Mumbaikar suffered as little as possible. The disaster management cell was invisible yesterday but help came from the amazing citizens of this amazing city.

This just goes to show that no matter what, Mumbai doesn’t stop living… The city has a million hearts that understand the needs of their city. These hearts understand their duties to the city and more importantly to the fellow citizens. A Mumbaikar becomes a brother to a fellow Mumbaikar in such times of need. And when you see the Mumbaikar striving hard to keep Mumbai’s spirit alive when challenged, you feel proud to be saying, ‘Me Mumbaikar!’

Potter Slaughter

Yes, I have finished reading the latest adventure of Mr.Potter. And now that I am writing my own feelings about the book I realize that I am a tad bit later than people who finished the book the same weekend. I admit I have been slow. But I feel the need to blame J.K. Rowling for the slow pace at which I read the book. I had finished the Order of The Phoenix in 10 hours flat, but the half-blood prince felt more like a mills n boon set against the background of a magical world being taken over by the dark lord.

I kept reading and within no time I knew that this book was to claim Albus Dumbledore’s life. That was the only exciting thing that happens in the book. Probably Rowling leaves us bored with ths one because the next book will be full of exciting adventures that will lead to the death of Harry Potter… But I am not pinning my hopes on it… I did so the last time and The half blood prince left me unsatisfied and thoroughly bored.

Pain

Pain

Pain you are my truest companion,
Physically, you come rarely,
But you torture me through emotion.

You never left my side
And I too keep coming back to you.
In every happy moment of mine,
Somehow you are there too…

Sometimes you come to my eyes
And come out as a teardrop,
And sometimes to feel you my heart cries,
You always bring me to a fullstop.

No, don’t you think I am complaining,
Because I have no right to.
It’s because of you I am living
And helping others to eliminate you.

They all are crazy,
Because know not how good you are,
We’re meant to be together,
Because I am not me without you…

Vivek Kaka....

In loving memory of Vivek Kaka... someone who has always been there and will always be there. He passed away on 5th May 2005 at 3.45 PM. He was a best friend to my dad(in the picture in a white kurta) and he meant a lot to me... he meant so much to me that i cannot find words. All i want to say is that he has always been there and will always be there, he has not ceased to exist but has just changed form... smile...he is looking at us from a different camera now!

Waves

the waves seem so calm when they are far away... but u feel their rage only as they approach the shore...but yet hearing their angry splashes is such a soothing experience...

Some Girls

Some girls just don’t give up
Some girls never try,
But I never give up on trying…

Some girls wait for luck to strike,
Some girls do things their way,
I do things my way until luck strikes.

Some girls just seem romantic,
Some girls way too practical,
But I think I am romantically practical.

Some girls are so sane,
And some are just so insane.
But I choose to be sanely insane.

Some girls are way too modern
And some just way too conventional…
Look at me; I am conventionally modern.

Some girls want a prince charming,
Some girls just want a special guy.
Yeah! I am looking for a special prince charming.

I am not like some girls,
And yet I am like some girls.
But I don’t consider myself special.
Because to be ordinary is so very special!

My friend sent me this and i m so bored that i actully filled it up. any of u intrstd copy paste and fill. yeh send it to me i could use some entertainment:)

Name: Shakti Birthday: 15th september

Birthplace: vile parle east (a suburb f Mumbai for those who don’t know)

Current Location: laxmi sadan, 3 and a half floors, bed in the corner!.!.!

Eye Color: brown

Hair Color: black

Height: wrong question!

Right Handed or Left Handed: left handed to slap someone, right handed to shake hands… which one do u wanna experience????

Your Heritage: the Nordics I believe, the Nordics who came and settled in goa

The Shoes You Wore Today: …………..still counting

Your Weakness: FOOOOOOD….

Your Fears: lizards(eeeew)

Your Perfect Pizza: my perfect pizza in my perfect world would be a healthy food, the more u eat the better. It will loaded with chillies and cheese

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: apart from getting richer and thinner, I want to whack every pompous arse on earth.

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: ehaaa

Thoughts First Waking Up: Oh shit its afternoon again!

Your Best Physical Feature: my lips... one smile from them can get me wateva i want...

Your Bedtime: is junta’s wakeup time

Your Most Missed Memory: age 8: I could see my ribs I was so thin!

Pepsi or Coke: I prefer chicko milkshake

McDonalds or Burger King: vada pav

Single or Group Dates: date aur main...hmphh...kabhi nahi!

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: none, I prefer cold coffee

Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolat

Cappuccino or Coffee: i m starting to feel like i m on coffee with karan and the rapid fire is on!is there a coffee hamper for filling this thing???

Do you Smoke: who doesn’t? I smoke about 20 cigs a day (I meant passive smoking) hate smoking

Do you Swear: I f***ing dun believe it that you are f***ing asking me this f***ing question? F*** I’d never f***ing swear, not even if my f***ing life depended on it!

Do you Sing: do u want me to start… I am unanimously gonna be elected Indian idol 2

Do you Shower Daily: every now and then, whenever i get the time. there's no use wasting water over showeirng when the whole country's water supllies r running dry...

Have you Been in Love: yes… I think… once… but to think of now, I dun call it love!

Do you want to go to College: Hello I m dun with it? Who framed these questions?

Do you want to get Married: yeah of course, afterall happiness isn’t everything now, is it?

Do you believe in yourself: who doesn’t?

Do you get Motion Sickness: depends what motion it is... but i prefer kinetic motion (i have done my physics teacher proud!)

Do you think you are Attractive: I am working on it;-) but hell yeh I think I m the most beautiful person in the world( after my cat mulayam of course)

Are you a Health Freak: ummm… I m sorta. Everytime I am finished eating a chocolate… I FREAK!

Do you get along with your Parents: I don’t get along with my parents like a house on fire… though at times, me and mum put the house on fire;-)

Do you like Thunderstorms: they are scary but u get the nxt day off. so, yup I love em!

Do you play an Instrument: trying to play a guitar

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: ummm... next question… who the hell framed these questions!

In the past month have you Smoked: I told u na I smoke 20 cigs daily…passively

In the past month have you been on Drugs: whoever framed these qestions was obsessed with charasi giri

In the past month have you gone on a Date: no… men in Mumbai are way tooo below my standard and the one I wanna date is busy with his wife---srk;)

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yeah baby and bot sum hot shoes

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreo: Once i do find a box of oreo and manage to eat it up... i will write a blog abt it!

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: i haven’t eaten sushi my whole life… the day I do I’ll write a blog abt it!

In the past month have you been on Stage: okkkay here’s a cheesy answer… life’s a stage and we blah blah blah… so I have been on stage all the time;) (told u I was the corny queen)

In the past month have you been Dumped: Mumbai men are too sad to be dumping me, but my cell phone dumped me... (read judai and u'll knw how)

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: yeh in my bath tub

In the past month have you Stolen Anything: a few hearts yeah… I m guilty as charged

Ever been Drunk: i am not answering that!

Ever been called a Tease: nah nah

Ever been Beaten up: yeah have bin beaten up and have beaten up a few

Ever Shoplifted: nooo

How do you want to Die: definitely don’t wanna die a virgin…

What do you want to be when you Grow Up: i want to be a kid...

What country would you most like to Visit: every country on earth! Egypt is for sure though

In a Boy/Girl… Men!

Favorite Eye Color: brown

Favorite Hair Color: black

Short or Long Hair: depends on who ur toking abt…

Height: WHO FRAMED THESE QUESTIONS!

Weight: wateva! They r getting worse

Best Clothing Style: seen swades? I loveeeee srk in tht… dusnt mean anyone wearing shirts qualifies u to be mr.right.

Number of Drugs I have taken: Ask my doc tht!

Number of CDs I own: I m too bored to count

Number of Pirecing:0

Number of Tattoos: 0

Number of things in my Past I Regret: nothing… I have made mistakes and they have made me betta… but yeh regret wasting about 1 year thinking I was in love. I could have dun so much more!

Judai!!!

We were together 5 years- 5 long years. During these years, we took care of each other; we were there for each other. We had our fights, we had our good times. Every time the relationship got to a boring point, I had him undergo a makeover. I broke up with him for a month thinking I should try to live without him(he was also high maintenance) but got back with him because I couldn’t. It was my choice to break up with him then and I knew I could reach him whenever I wanted so getting back together with him wasn’t a problem. But this time I lost him. He is gone… someone stole him from me. He belongs to someone else even though they stole him. And now every time I reach for him, I find myself regretfully thinking, he’s not mine anymore. I don’t even know where he is! Oh yes, I will get a new one, but will it be the same? Having lost him I have lost more than just him… I miss him, my cell-phone.

In the initial days, I took care of it as if my life depended on it because I knew I wouldn’t get another one if I lost it. As time passed by, I continued to care for it because I valued the things it did for me and I understood that losing the phone meant losing all my phone numbers and all. And then I lost it at the most unlikely place… a friend’s house. Life hasn’t been the same since. I haven’t lost just a cell; I have lost one of the most important things in my life. Over and above being my phone it was my clock, my organizer, my torch, it was everything! And now that it’s gone, I have no numbers, no birthdays, no appointments, no pictures… it’s horrifying. Should you be so depressed to have lost a gadget? Why does our life depend on such inanimate objects and not so much on people? Are we heading towards the nightmare that Jean Kilburn talked about- replacing human relationships with inanimate objects?

Who should be more thankful???

Malvan:

It’s been sometime since I have done nothing and not felt guilty. It all seemed worth the 12 hours travel. Just seeing the sea swish into the sand…Just to sit in the peaceful little temples…Just to show around my friends…just to feel proud as they admire your village.

It’s like coming home. It’s like coming home to my roots. It’s like coming home to my great-grandmother; it’s like coming home to my grandparent’s childhood. It’s like many things. It’s like me…

The first time I came to Malvan, I was this 11 year old talkative girl who wanted to be at the beach 24/7. When I wasn’t splashing in the water, I wanted to draw water from the wlls, even if it meant pulling up a ‘kalshi’ double my weight. Malvan… I just love the place. Every place has a story to tell… about my great-grandparents, grandparents, dad and even my uncles. Every place I go to, I wish for a time machine to see my grand father studying, to see my grandmother playing with her friends and to see my great grandmother teach her illiterate self how to read and write just to teach my grandfather to make sure he has a great future. Having heard so many stories from Manuai and Papa, I have enough anecdotes associated with every place in Malvan. Even when I take the boat to Sindhudurga, I remember how their boat toppled 13 years ago and how my grandmother saw the super clean sea floor. Every place I go to has me smiling randomly… if someone were to see me; they would surely think I am mad.

I realized that though I have no personal memories with this place, I have a legacy of memories that I get from my family. I never realized that earlier and kept wondering why I am so drawn to Malvan. But then this time I came to Malvan for the first time with my friends and not with family as usual. And while I showed them around, I realized that everything is so personal for me and every thing is so full of random memories.

These two friends of mine, Ashwini and Lathia, keep saying thank you because I got them here… but how do I say thanks to them… because they made me realize so much and see things about malvan so differently. They made this trip so different from the usual malvan trips that I have. Because of them for the first time, I was the one telling stories about malvan rather than being the one who was told stories…

Moments

These moments, they are amazing,
Why can’t they last just a bit longer?
Why can’t these birds keep singing?
Why can’t the waves splash a while more?
Why can’t I sit here on the sands of time,
Without them passing…

A moment can’t be a day long,
It’s like the flowing wind’s song,
It’s like the waves that splash, touch you,
And then are gone.

You stand there with the feeling,
The feeling of being touched by that wave,
Just then another wave splashes,
And washes away the touch of the earlier wave.

Here’s the girl of the modern day,
She dreams of paving a new pathway.

She dreams the dreams no one dares,
And she aspires to go on without getting scared.

But harsh reality is out to get her.
Truth is what she hears in a whisper.

As another girl tells this one,
Life depends on all but none.

Tears fall out of those dreaming eyes,
And yet they dream the dreams of an insomniac.